Thursday, February 11, 2010

all change

I'm ok. Surprisingly ok.

Last night was lovely: really, truly lovely. Even though there were plenty of tears. There was honesty and openness, we said and shared many of the things we'd been holding back for a long time. There is a connection there that is real and special and I think will last separation. I feel very optimistic about that now. For, I think, the very first time.

Not that I'm thinking that we'll ever be a couple - that's a wish I'd be foolish to entertain. Just that our friendship and the meeting of minds will rekindle if we see each other again. Which is still a big if.

For now, as far as this situation goes, I'm content. Sad - yes, bereft - yes, but also at peace with the situation.

I said what I needed to say and got a depth of response that I.. if I'm honest, didn't expect. That is something I'm very thankful for. I never doubted my own feelings but I've always been unsure of hers - my self-doubting nature leads me to doubt the sincerity of others when they tell me they care for me (i.e. why would they? I'm nothing special). Which is ironic: I've been constantly building this girl up, telling her that her lack of self-esteem is so unwarranted, making sure she knows her good qualities... and yet I seem to be unable to do the same for myself.

It's so much easier to give advice than to follow it. So much easier to see good things in other people than in myself. That's got to change. Along with a bunch of other things.

It's new beginnings time.


helena said...

Very glad it went well, that you said what you needed to say...and you're right it's way easier to give advice than to follow it yourself.

But as far as seeing the good things in other people but not in yourself, I don't know if that's necessarily a bad thing - I think that if we knew and appreciated our own good qualities, something would be lost in the knowing...

But new beginnings are always good - it's the middles and endings that are the tricky bits!

y said...

Yes, giving advice is infinitely easier than following it!

I can't say anything better, I had too much wine.

fishboy said...

helena: I know what you mean, often those people who are most aware of their good qualities are the most insufferable.. And new beginnings can be difficult too, but I'm getting better at them with practice. I'm looking forward to the middles. I'd prefer to avoid endings for a while - but they're usually the ones that loom largest.

y: You needn't say anything more. The drunkenness I hope is a result of more disgraceful behaviour :)