Wednesday, September 29, 2004

men at work

Many apologies for the inconweeniance.

Update: I think I fixed it.. If anyone notices anything wrong please comment or send me an email (thanks Claire). Of course I can't really do anything about the quality of the writing.

Frankly I think it was all Michelle's fault. My poor innocent blog caught some nasty comment-borking bug from hers..

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

sodding interweb..

I seem to be having some trouble seeing my own blog.. Although, as you can (hopefully) see I can still get in to post stuff. Is anyone else having problems? With their own Blogspot sites or with mine?

Phooey. Haloscan is borked too, at least from my end..

Fucksticks. I may actually have to learn stuff to deal with this.

*brain cowering in terror*

In Homer Simpson's immortal words "Get me through this, brain, and I'll go back to killing you slowly with alcohol".

mmmm beeeer...

Not till you fix the damn site!

Just one? To lubricate the ol' axons & dendrites..?

Ohh, ok.. But just one. Here you go.

Mmmm.. preciousssss.. Blech! Tooheys! Pah!

Heh heh.. sucker..

*shakes self*

Ok. It's official. I am insane.

I just had an argument with my brain. And won. By out-thinking it.

oh dear..

Monday, September 27, 2004


From Vanessa who got it from someone else blah blah blah. Who actually creates these things? or do they spring fully formed from the interweb? Who cares. They pass the time..

Bold = fings I 'ave dun.
italics = my own witty (whatever) additions..

01. Bought everyone in the pub a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins ... there are tame ones?!
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula ... remember that Splarkey? Still having nightmares?
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said 'I love you' and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Done a striptease
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris ... soon bro..
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Stayed up all night long, and watch the sun rise
15. Seen the Northern Lights
16. Gone to a huge sports game
17. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
18. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
19. Touched an iceberg ... same as Vanessa: glacier, yes. iceberg, no.

20. Slept under the stars
21. Changed a baby's diaper ... and don't even think of asking, Kurly - you know I'd get it wrong anyway
22. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
23. Watched a meteor shower
24. Gotten drunk on champagne
25. Given more than you can afford to charity
26. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
27. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment ... regularly
28. Had a food fight
29. Bet on a winning horse (even if it was only £1)
30. Taken a sick day when you're not ill
31. Asked out a stranger
32. Had a snowball fight
33. Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier
34. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
35. Held a lamb
36. Enacted a favorite fantasy
37. Taken a midnight skinny dip
38. Taken an ice cold bath
39. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar
40. Seen a total eclipse

41. Ridden a roller coaster
42. Hit a home run
43. Fit three weeks miraculously into three days
44. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
45. Adopted an accent for an entire day ... does talking like a pirate count? probably not..
46. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors ... hell, I only just recently visited my birthplace
47. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
48. Had two hard drives for your computer
49. Visited all 50 states
50. Loved your job for all accounts
51. Taken care of someone who was shit faced
52. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
53. Had amazing friends
54. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
55. Watched wild whales ... again, there are tame kinds?!
56. Stolen a sign
57. Backpacked in Europe
58. Taken a road-trip
59. Rock climbing
60. Lied to foreign government's official in that country to avoid notice ... heh, it was the USA

61. Midnight walk on the beach
62. Sky diving
63. Visited Ireland
64. Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love
65. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
66. Visited Japan
67. Benchpressed your own weight ... many years ago.. and I'm not the heaviest of people
68. Milked a cow
69. Alphabetised your records (and CD's and tapes and and and...)
70. Pretended to be a superhero
71. Sung karaoke
72. Lounged around in bed all day ... many times..
73. Posed nude in front of strangers
74. Scuba diving
75. Got it on to "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye
76. Kissed in the rain
77. Played in the mud
78. Played in the rain
79. Gone to a drive-in theater
80. Done something you should regret, but don't regret it

81. Visited the Great Wall of China
82. Discovered that someone who's not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog
83. Dropped Windows in favor of something better
84. Started a business
85. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
86. Toured ancient sites
87. Taken a martial arts class
88. Swordfought for the honor of a woman ... well, I've swordfought with a woman for my honour. And lost.
89. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
90. Gotten married
91. Been in a movie ... as "Conspiracy Theorist #1". I was shit.
92. Crashed a party
93. Loved someone you shouldn't have
94. Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy
95. Gotten divorced ... pending...
96. Had sex at the office
97. Gone without food for 5 days
98. Made cookies from scratch
99. Won first prize in a costume contest
100. Ridden a gondola in Venice

101. Gotten a tattoo ... soon..
102. Found that the texture of some materials can turn you on ... does skin count? hurr hurr..
103. Rafted the Snake River
104. Been on television news programs as an "expert"
105. Got flowers for no reason
106. Masturbated in a public place
107. Got so drunk you don't remember anything
108. Been addicted to some form of illegal drug
109. Performed on stage
110. Been to Las Vegas
111. Recorded music ... thankfully none of it survives
112. Eaten shark ... and vice versa
113. Had a one-night stand
114. Gone to Thailand
115. Seen Siouxsie live
116. Bought a house
117. Been in a combat zone
118. Buried one/both of your parents
119. Shaved or waxed your pubic hair off
120. Been on a cruise ship

121. Spoken more than one language fluently
122. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone
123. Bounced a cheque
124. Performed in Rocky Horror
125. Read - and understood - your credit report
126. Raised children
127. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy
128. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
129. Created and named your own constellation of stars
130. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
131. Found out something significant that your ancestors did ... kicked Dubya's ancestors out of England. Yeah!
132. Called or written your Congress person or Member of Parliament
133. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over to be with the one you love
134. ...more than once? - More than thrice?
135. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
136. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
137. Had an abortion or your female partner did
138. Had plastic surgery ... does reconstructive surgery count? I'll say no.
139. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived.
140. Wrote articles for a large publication

141. Lost over 100 pounds
142. Held someone while they were having a flashback
143. Piloted an airplane
144. Petted a stingray
145. Broken someone's heart
146. Helped an animal give birth
147. Been fired or laid off from a job
148. Won money on a T.V. game show
149. Broken a bone
150. Killed a human being
151. Gone on an African photo safari
152. Ridden a motorcycle
153. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100mph
154. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
155. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
156. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
157. Ridden a horse
158. Had major surgery
159. Had sex on a moving train
160. Had a snake as a pet ... had a gecko, that's about as reptilian as things get in NZ.

161. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
162. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing
163. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours ... ahh the good old days.. I'm paying for it now..
164. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
165. Visited all 7 continents
166. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
167. Eaten kangaroo meat
168. Fallen in love at an ancient Mayan burial ground
169. Been a sperm or egg donor
170. Eaten sushi
171. Had your picture in the newspaper
172. Had 2 (or more) healthy romantic relationships for over a year in your lifetime
173. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
174. Gotten someone fired for their actions
175. Gone back to school
176. Parasailed
177. Changed your name
178. Petted a cockroach
179. Eaten fried green tomatoes
180. Read The Iliad ... but didn't finish it so I won't count it.

181. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read
182. Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups because your apartment needed them
183. ...and gotten 86'ed from the restaurant because you did it so many times, they figured out it was you
184. Taught yourself an art from scratch
185. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
186. Apologised to someone years after inflicting the hurt
187. Skipped all your school reunions
188. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language ... I'm counting cats as people here.
189. Been elected to public office
190. Written your own computer language
191. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
192. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
193. Built your own PC from parts
194. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
195. Had a booth at a street fair
196: Dyed your hair ... ahhh, I remember having hair.. *sniff*
197: Been a DJ
198: Found out someone was going to dump you via LiveJournal
199: Written your own role playing game
200: Been arrested ... and I'm still not telling.

So. Plenty still to do. Better get cracking *wanders off to find a begger to chat with*

Sunday, September 26, 2004

fishdolt again

An occasional (but ever growing) list of stupid things I do on a regular basis.


Always, but always, I leave getting the laundry in till it's gotten dark and the clothes are damp again. Grr. Fool.

And (but wait, there's more!) every time I go to get the washing I forget to take the peg container. So I end up stuffing them in my pockets and sprinkling them throughout the basket.

There's barely a week that goes by without my finding a peg lurking in a back pocket days later. And all the time I'd been wondering why the chairs are so uncomfortable..

Saturday, September 25, 2004

some caterpillars are just worms with identity crises

This was stolen from Pisser, who appropriated it from a bunch of other people, etc, etc, but originally it came from here. Copy, paste, & cross out the bits that don't apply. Kinda amusing and kept me occupied whilst waiting for food to arrive.

Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexy [yeah baby, you know you want me..]. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.

Pisser's addendum was a great idea and I'd shamelessly copy it if I could think of anything remotely amusing about myself at the moment. Oh, I managed to punch Jason smack in the elbow today at karate. Well, we laughed.. while squealing (manfully) with pain.

I must away to bed..


Oh man, I must be getting extremely warped in my old age but I seriously want this.

The Godfather Horse Head Pillow.

Fan-bloody-tastic. I know what I'll be asking for for Christmas.

(pilfered from Tam, as was the title)
PS Tam, if you wander by, your site keeps eating my comments. I know I should email you about it but seriously, my brother didn't even get an email on his birthday. Yes, I'm that slack (sorry Bro!)

Friday, September 24, 2004

warning: gratuitous bad taste

Well, I've only a week left at the department of death registrations so I thought I'd better lay out some of the stuff I'd noticed in my time there. Please be warned that my sense of humour has become dangerously deranged due to my work environment. Walk away now. You'd be better off.

I'll start you off slow: I had a guy who's occupation was "Circus Side-Show Operator", nearly as cool as the powder-monkey guy. Though the most inexplicable occupation recently was "Crane Chaser". What the..!? I've heard of ambulance chasers but that's a new one on me...

The number of funny names... Sometimes it's the only thing that keeps me sane (although I'm sure some of you would argue it's been a loooong while since I was sane).

Like the town called Gympie. Well, it is in deepest inbred, roo-shooting, Abo-lynching, croc-baiting, cane toad-licking Queensland - so I guess the name is probably descriptive of some of the inhabitants.

More perplexing was the woman with the middle name "Pitchfork". I feel there is a story behind that name that we'll never know.

The man with the surname "Miraballes" had me chuckling. "Ouch" was another family name that probably got their kids beaten up on a daily basis at school. And "Boner Street" got a round of Beavis & Butthead-esque laughter.

Then there was Doctor Kok... *snigger*

Better still was the guy whose surname was Dick, first name William, and actually went by the nickname of "Big Willy". I kid you not. Oh how we howled (yes we're a callous bunch of assholes).

The one that really had the whole office in stitches and went into the BDM blooper file was the fax from Sacred Funerals. Obviously from someone new there. They'd made an unfortunate slip with the name and all the headings blared "Scared Funerals".

That had us going for ages.

We spent quite a while trying to figure out what happens at a scared funeral. Do they play spooky music all the time? Dress as members of the Addams family? Rig the coffin so the corpse springs out and onto the pall-bearers? Or just a creepy scratching and moaning from the inside of the coffin as it's lowered into the ground...

You could have a lot of fun working for a company like that.

Is it just me or is the Howlong Aged Care Facility just begging for a who's on first?-style re-working?
"Where am I?"
"No, where"
"Not nowhere, Howlong!"
"I don't know how long, where am I?!"
Ok, maybe it's just me.

But there's the unfortunate guy who's last name was Bogus. I guess there's a whole Bogus family out there since he had kids too. It just made me laugh trying to picture the scene at the funeral parlour: "Are you here for the Bogus funeral?" and the like.

Then there's Stan Crapp Funerals.
Best. Name. Ever.
If I die in Australia I want a Crapp funeral.

And the best one from the other day was a series of unfortunate names that really did me in. First of all the dead guy's name was Norman Hercules Dick (yes, there are a lot of Dicks out there). That one got a round of applause.

But even worse, his certifying doctor was Dr Raper.

Ye gods.

Imagine his waiting room:
"Doctor Raper will see you now"
", I'd rather not!"

Final nail in the coffin (hyuck hyuck) was the misspelling on the EDI identifying his remains as being disposed of at a Creamatorium. Extra thick and creamy. Urgh...

Oh god, I was a sick and twisted bastard before working here but I'm not going to be fit for human company afterwards.

But, like I've said, you've gotta make your own fun in this job. If you stay too long there I think something very bad happens to your mind.

Case in point the other week a workmate just started clucking like a chicken for no apparent reason. Quite loudly. Weird, yes, but the most disturbing thing was the fact that nobody else noticed! That was creepy...

An update on my working conditions for those that give a monkey's: sadly my workmate who had a seizure did make a miraculous recovery so I'm back to my nomadic existence. Next time I'm doubling the dosage...

Right, that's your lot. Begone.

Sunday, September 19, 2004

ahoy maties


Yo ho ho.

Parrots, patches and prosthetics.

It's talk like a pirate day again!

Time to splice yer mainbrace, stow yer bilge, avast yer scurvy dog (or amedium if it's a terrier), walk the plank, keelhaul the mutineers (did they have mutinoses too?), set sails for the Spanish Main, get the clap in irons, go friggin' in the riggin', and have a jolly roger. Um. Or whatever.

Questions abound at this time of the year. What are poop decks for? What really went on in the fo'c's'le? How come pirates always talk about their booty? And why are they always calling each other 'ho'? (Sail, ho! Land, ho! etc)

All rather confusing. Especially after a few bottles o' rum. Still, sitting down is often beyond me after the first bottle. After the second I usually have to hold onto the floor.

But it's a great time to trot out fishboy's crappest pirate joke (tm):

Pirate 1: "Where's your buccaneers?"
Pirate 2: "Under my buckin' hat!"

I know, I know, I'll get me coat..

Thursday, September 16, 2004

how to get ahead

No, not a decapitation story (I have one of those for a later post). It's just that I now have a desk & computer & cubicle all of my own.

After weeks of being bounced all over the building depending on where there's space I now am settled, and probably for the foreseeable future.

Why? you ask. Did they notice my sterling work record and give me the appreciation and acknowledgement I deserve? Were they swayed by my unfailingly polite and pleasant demeanour? The wonderfully empathetic and professional way I liaised with funeral directors and the bereaved ?

Ha. No.

Much more simple.

The guy whose desk I now inhabit had a seizure.

So barring his miraculous recovery (get well soon Barry!) I get his area. And flash new lcd screen 'puter.

If I'd known it would be so easy to get ahead in this company I'd have poisoned someone with a corner office.

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

spring cleaning

It's been ages since I actually did anything structurally with this damn blog. And it's beginning to bug me. So expect there to be abrupt, inexplicable and annoying changes on a random basis until further notice. Don't know what I'm going to do but I just loathe the sight of the thing right now.

A lick of paint. Few new potted plants. Clean a few windows. Demolish and recycle. Something along those lines.

And the links sidebar needs a serious clean. Sorry for those who might get swept into storage: it's nothing personal.

The management thanks you for being tolerant through this process. Unless you're not. In which case sod off.

Sorry about that. It was my evil twin, really.

Friday, September 10, 2004

coffee or coffer?

I was the coffee, therefore I am now the coffer.

I'm home sick from work today because of some swine infecting me with his noxious little germs. The hazards of working in open-plan offices and air-conditioned buildings. And with revolting peasants who don't cover their mouths when they cough.

Serves me right I guess. Hubris. Only a few days ago I was feeling smug about not coming down with anything even though my workmates were dropping like flies. Except for that one guy who insisted on coming to work, and whose constant coughing has driven me almost homicidal. The main thing holding me back has been the knowledge that it'd be yet another certificate to process, and I'm already snowed under.


That's a cool word: it looks like it feels when it's in your bronchioles but sounds deceptively smooth. Not at all like the green/brown hunk I just hocked up.

With that charming image to hold you, I'm going back to bed.

fear and loathing

I'm not much of a political blogger. There are so many others who do a better and more consistent job that I feel superfluous. On the other hand I have very strong political/social views and love to talk that stuff with people, a good natured argument can be an illuminating thing. Not only getting insights and different viewpoints from others but also clarifying my own position in the act of explaining it (I do a lot of my thinking whilst talking, which is why I ramble so much. Well that's my story and I'm sticking to it..)

Just recently, however, I've been avoiding much in the way of news/current affairs stuff. Not only do I find it depressing (both the content and the way 'news' is reported in mainstream media) but I've also been finding it almost physically revolting to watch politicians spout forth rhetorical nonsense, or read maliciously biased reports in the papers/online. From all sides of the political divide. I'm very much a left-winger but some writing that is obviously supposed to be aimed at my choir I find insulting to read. I don't like the feeling I'm being manipulated, and when it comes from someone whose politics supposedly correspond with my own I get very angry. I still have yet to see 'Fahrenheit 9/11' and feel in some ways that it's not necessary for me. I don't want to feel like I'm an extra in Michael Moore's grand political scheme, like an air-punching Oprah audience member.

But this isn't about that.

Not really sure what it's about. Now that I'm living in Australia I feel like I never really appreciated the NZ political system. Australia is becoming another United States, and politics here is an alienating and duplicitous procedure. I'm thankful I can't get involved in it because it would make me even more depressed.

I'd like to be a social/political crusader (bad word in the context but you know what I mean). I just don't have the strength of will (or blindness to alternatives if you prefer) to spread my agenda to the world. I'm paralyzed by seeing too many options, too many sides to the story. I don't have many absolutes, no religious tracts to adhere to, no political dogma that I feel so strongly about that I feel it should be imposed on everyone. Which means that I am basically useless in this world of fundamentalism.

But this isn't about that either.

Well, what prompted me to write this was the Beslan massacre.

But I've no words for it. I haven't been watching any tv news for months now so I have no images in my head (something I'm thankful about). But I've even been avoiding reading about it - not actively, just getting a sick lurching in my stomach when it's cropped up online or in the newspaper. Just can't deal with it. And feeling lucky that I'm physically as far away from the shit as I am. Then feeling guilty for that.

I'm at the same time gobsmacked and unsurprised. The former I feel is the proper response to something so hideous, the latter I'm afraid is proof of my being desensitised. I want to be outraged, angry and energised like I have been in the past. But this time I just want to make it all go away.

Enough. I have no more words.

Wednesday, September 08, 2004


I'm still not inspired to write much of interest here at the moment. I just don't really have the time to devote to lovingly hand-crafting a post for you. I hate to do things half-arsed... although I've become pretty uni-buttocked around here of late.

There's a lot going on in my head but not much taking any coherent form. And the stuff that does coalesce is probably better off kept there for the moment. I wouldn't want to frighten anyone..

So in a vague attempt not to piss-off the remaining few of you faithful readers (you'll take any kind of punishment won't you? god bless ya..) here's a collection of notes from the last few weeks at the death farm. You've really got to try to have at least some fun in this job.

*rummages through bag looking for notebook*

Well, as if to underline what an idiot I am, it appears that I've left the damn thing at work. Sheesh.

*ponders deleting this since it has no content or interest for anyone (barring psychiatrists cruising for unusual cases)*
*decides to leave it, partly because censorship is bad, but mostly because, being a crap typist, it took ages to bang it out and I'd hate to get OOS for nothing*

So. Yes. Well.

Possibly to be continued tomorrow. I can see you all tensed with anticipation. Apart from those who are pointing and sniggering. Fair call.

Sunday, September 05, 2004

best. site. ever.

Go play with the bear.


And check out the sketchbook. Just brilliant.