Sunday, August 29, 2004

titles suck

Yes I know I'm supposed to be shifting stuff but it's raining and my back hurts and I can't be arsed so there.

I can't think of anything new to blog about or even be bothered to pad out any of the (copious) notes I have strewn around the house, so I'm just going to unload a bunch of them. Make of them what you will. Some of them baffle even me.
  • Most interesting occupation of a dead guy this week: powder monkey. Listed under usual tasks they'd put "blowing things up".
  • Favourite Dr. Zoidberg quote for the day: "I'm swelling with patriotic mucus".
  • Hoo-fucking-rah.
  • "The boot, on the other hand, is only the size of a kipper"
  • First rule of space exploration: let the next guy know what killed you
  • Koala fingerprints are virtually indistinguishable from those of humans. Luckily for CSIs Koalas are sleepy creatures who don't tend to commit many crimes.
  • Luciano Pavarotti's former manager Herbert Breslin estimates that over the last 30 years Pavarotti has "gained and lost more than 5,000 pounds." The average adult hippopotamus weighs 5,300 pounds. So Luciano has gained and lost a whole hippo.
  • Like watching the Grammies with a really dangerous spider in your mouth.
  • So is what you're saying, then, that our car has a smaller penis than yours?
  • Your eyelids reflect and refract the turgid limnations of an eel trapped in the flickering paralysis of Chaplin's cinematography.
  • I coulda been a contender. If it weren't for my crippling lack of aptitude.
  • "Bother" said Pooh, as he was butchered for his penis and liver.
  • A closed mouth gathers no foot.
And with that I'll shut up.

Blogging will be limited for a while due to lack of internet connection. Pity me.

Talk amongst yourselves till I get back.


Charles Baudelaire: The Flowers of Evil. You are
one of the most loved and hated poetic works.
Death and decadence are important themes for
you, but none should overlook your impressive
aesthetics, either. Deep down youre not evil at
all, you just like to play the tough guy on the

Which literature classic are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Saturday, August 28, 2004

git along little doggy

So we're shifting into the city.



We have basically one day in which to achieve this and have done shag-all in the way of constructive packing. Lots of the shift-things-from-where- they've-been-sitting-for-ages-and-put-them-in-a-pile-somewhere-else type packing but none of the put-things-into-boxes-and-organise-everything-so-we- can-actually-do-this-thing type.

I hate moving, but I think I hate being in Mosman more. I'll let you know how that competition goes over the weekend.

The new place is in Darlinghurst which is much more Bohemian & grotty than this 'burb. Fishboy is returning to his people. Junkies, hookers, goths, drunkards & drag queens. Ahhhh, that's better.

Anyway, blogging may be limited for a while since we don't have a phone on in the new place yet. And we're both paupers after forking out the obligatory 4 weeks bond & 2 weeks in advance. It's going to be a lean week. Mmmm weet-bix for brekky, lunch & dinner. My fave.


Sunday, August 22, 2004

fun & games

I am shattered today. Absolutely buggered. Partly from the rigorous house-hunting schedule we set ourselves, partly from a taxing karate session (trying to learn new tricks with the sai, expect many updates about stabbing myself & dropping them on my feet), but mostly coz we went to Luna Park last night.

If you know Sydney even a little you've probably seen the park - on the North Shore, tucked in under the harbour bridge. I don't know about the entrance though: a huge grinning face staring scarily down on you as you enter by walking into its mouth. I wonder how many kids have gotten nightmares from it?

I had the greatest time, some of those rides are a real blast. The flying saucer was an awesome kick, the dodgems were fun (although our group managed to cause total gridlock twice - go kiwi drivers!), and I loved the pirate ship (although I did loses a packet of Smints during that one, who knows how far they went? I didn't hear of any breath-mint related injuries though so I think I'm in the clear). Unfortunately Krys, boyf of Emma whose birthday it was, copped some vomit in the back during that ride which upset his already tender stomach. He sat the rest of the rides out and it was a good couple of hours before he got his colour back.

We did the best one last though. The Rotor. Basically just a big vertical cylinder that you stand in and they spin it at 70kph. But what an awesome time! You get pushed to the wall and they drop the floor away so you are stuck against it by the centrifugal force. I managed to get up on my hands and knees and go for a spider-walk around - doesn't sound like much but it was so hard. No-one else in the group even managed to move. I, however, did seriously skin both my knees and so completely stuff myself it took about 2 hours to recover. Also haven't felt so close to puking without excessive alcohol intake for years.

It may not sound like it but that is a recommendation. Ok, yes I'm a masochist, but I'm sure normal people like it too! Just don't have a big meal beforehand.

Right, I got to go iron a shirt (grumbling and cursing all the time) so I must away. Hope everyone else had a great weekend. Mwah mwah.

Friday, August 20, 2004

200 today

Yay! 200th post!

So I suppose I'd better make it a good one. Full of my usual razor sharp wit and acerbic commentary coupled with pithy, erudite and provoking insights into the unfolding world about me.

Well, that's not ever going to happen so get used to disappointment.

End of the week blues I guess. It's been a week of giddy highs and medium blahs. The blahs are worse than bad times in some ways. Times when you see the possibility of joining the other droids on the office treadmill, and staying on it for ever. I like to think I'd kill myself if that happens. Except of course that I'll already be, to all intents and purposes, dead. Another functioning component of Zombie Corp (Ltd). *shudder*

I always planned on avoiding a suit & tie wearing existence, and thank god I've not gotten that low yet, but I'm beginning to see that if I'm to do this kind of work then it can only be for short bursts. Else the life will be sucked out of me by the corporate vampires.

Admittedly I am in the public service (last refuge of the incompetent and all that: oh-my-god some of them absolutely useless), which isn't exactly the most interesting or fulfilling of workplaces. But then I think if my job required more of me cognitively I'd go mad. I'm only here for another 6 weeks and we'll see at the end of that whether spending my days pawing through dead people's lives is my bag. I'm already starting to have doubts.

But not all my problems can be placed solely at the foot of workin' fo da man. Oh no, some are of my own creation. Like yesterday when I spent the entire fucking day thinking it was wednesday. Or tuesday (the real one, not the other one that must have just happened in my head) when it was pissing with rain and muggins here goes and stands too close to a HUGE puddle of water just as a bus came zipping past. Can you say drowned rat? I knew you could. Oh well, at least all those years in the aquarium have completely inured me to being wet.

It's not, this week, been all bad by any means. Some parts have been just fantastic. But no-one wants to hear good stuff do they? Where's the pathos? The triumph of the human spirit over adversity? The fun of watching someone else pratfall? Admit it, if the Germans hadn't come up with the word schadenfreude we'dve had to invent it. Although we'd have made it shorter and easier to pronounce without spitting.

Right. That's your lot. Go home. More installments of fishboy moronity will be forthcoming. Oh don't you worry about that, there will be more... arggh...

Yay. Happy 200 to me.


Wednesday, August 18, 2004


Musing on the impermanence of things just now. Brought about by the discovery that Vanessa has shut up shop. It's no surprise really, since she always said it was a one year thing only. But there seems to be a bit of it going on these days:

Frank is still laying low.
Tailor's Today is sooo yesterday.
Porny Boy is MIA.
With Gusto has ceased to be.
Kitty Lifter lifts no more.

While I accept that people come and go in my life quite regularly this is a different thing. I don't actually know any of these people (or fictional characters, or whatever) but they all were/are important to me because of what I was allowed to see of their lives (fictional or not, serious or totally frivolous). And it's kinda traumatic when you find that someone you don't really know but who you've always assumed would be there has bogged off. Sort of like finding your favourite town weirdo has died or finally been committed.

Ok that didn't really come out right.

Meh. Don't know what I'm trying to say.


Bollocks to this. Here's an online quiz to round off the evening:

Which flock do you follow?

this quiz was made by alanna

Now I'm going to flock off. (sorry, couldn't resist)

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

atrociously titled tuesday

So. It's a horribly evening, cold & the rain is fair thumping down out there. And dripping through the hole in the ceiling in our kitchen, artfully placed so that water comes down alarmingly close to the wiring at the back of the stove. If I electrocute myself cooking dinner I'm definitely finding a nicer place to haunt.

I'm aware that the cold we have here is nothing compared to the cold in ol' Christchurch, where it was snowing the other day. But I'm feeling sorry for myself so naturally I discount anyone else from having a worse time.

Well, today was pretty nondescript. After an interrupted night's sleep (bloody kookaburras wake up too goddamn early) and weird dreams (reading that 300 Love Letters site didn't help - there were at least 6 ex-girlfriends in my dreams...), the work day was frustrating & annoying. Too much calling of funeral directors and querying of paperwork. On the plus side I had some interesting deaths: my first mad cow, a medical procedure that took about 45 minutes to figure out (doctors handwriting = epileptic chicken scratches) and turned out to be one no-one else had heard of either (warfarinisation), and an 80 year old man with 9 kids but no marriages (must have been a bit of a Casanova 'cause the eldest was 60-something and the youngest in his late 20s. I won't tell you how he died...).

Other than that and my boring, mumbling, inept and, as it turns out, religious workmate trying to engage me in a spiritual/ philosophical debate (while I was trying to read my book! He got the rant for that... though I let him get a word in after 5 or 10 minutes) the day was pretty blah. I'm being trained by a surly Irishman and he's kinda fun to play with, trying to get a smile. I've taken to calling him Andy Won-Kenobi just to see how long before he cracks. You gotta make your own fun in some jobs.

Nothing else new really. Well, I discovered this, once again on the words theme. Who'da thought diphthong would only be number 50536? I mean doesn't everyone else use it regularly?

And of course there's this test for your reading speed. My results this time were better than the first time, but I think I might have skimmed it a bit:

You read between 450 - 500 words per minute. Well above average reading level. (The average rate is between 200 - 250 words per minute.) It is assumed that you did not skim the words nor fail to understand the meaning of what was read.

Interesting but kinda useless. Which is very much like me. Although I did kill 35 people today so it hasn't been totally wasted.

Monday, August 16, 2004


Bloody computers.

You've only my word for it (would I lie to you?) but I've just had several posts of scintillating wit erased by this bloody machine aided and abetted by the interweb. Mostly Blogger's fault: it took 6 tries to get the last post onto the web and even then it seemed to think I was blogging from the future (insert some witty reference to the Hitchhiker's Guide, blah, blah, oh I don't care anymore...).

The last couple of posts complaining about this (most eruditely and entertainingly) have gone where only the net gods can see them. So those annoying bastards will be having a right old chuckle.

My pearls of wisdom not even enjoyed by swine. I don't mean to say that any of you are pigs! Not that anyone could tell, in cyberspace no-one knows what species you are. Um, I'm just digging a deeper hole aren't I? Bugger.

Anyway, my dash is done.

I'm off to bed to sulk.

Here's someone else's interesting stuff:

Luciano Pavarotti's former manager Herbert Breslin estimates that over the last 30 years Pavarotti has "gained and lost more than 5,000 pounds." The average adult hippopotamus weighs 5,300 pounds. So Luciano has gained and lost a whole hippo.

(from Popbitch)


I've always been a lover of the English language, the written word especially. I was raised by librarians (that would be a really good title for a blog) and spent most of my early life hanging out in libraries. So I've gotten very attached to books. As anyone who's been to my various flats will have noticed. I love to read and usually have several books on the go at once, although in recent years I've taken to reading more blogs & general net content and fewer books. I wish I had the time for both.

I'm always amazed at the power of words on a page to move & enthrall me. I've no illusions about being a great writer myself but I'm very aware of other people's use of language and often find myself re-reading sections of whatever I'm engrossed in at the time, just to appreciate how well it's constructed. Powerful, thrilling, sensuous, magical, enlightening, shocking, arousing, scaring, disgusting. It doesn't really matter what the effect is as long as the words make the feeling real. A story has to make itself your world.

Letters & email have an even deeper resonance. Being the written connection between two people they have the feel of emotional closeness that comes from a personal conversation dressed in the revealing/concealing clothing of written words. They don't have to have universal appeal - they're just for you, and so much more emotionally charged for that.

Chatting through instant messages takes the communication to that strange netherworld between email & phone & speaking in person. This is difficult territory, for me at least, 'cause you have to communicate at the speed of speech (or close) using written words to express yourself the way you would verbally. Conversations can be very stilted sometimes, and other times they just ignite like a natural, wonderful meeting of minds.

Don't really know where I'm going with this. I just found this site the other day and it really speaks to me. Not in a voices-in-the-head-telling- me-to-burn-them-all kind of way either. Beautiful concept, I wish I'd had it. But then I don't think I'd have the guts to put myself out there like that. Or the ability to write them that well and varied.

Have a gander:

300 Love Letters

(thieved from Tam)

Friday, August 13, 2004

ghoulish goodness

I don't think I'd mentioned here - I'm now an employee of the NSW State.

Working in Death Registrations.

Wonderfully morbid... :>

I get to type out such things as myocardial infarction and multi-organ failure (lots), yap with funeral directors and send out death certificates. Mwahahahahah!

Well, the first week o the jobby is over. Much time spent learning the systems, making simple mistakes and then spending the rest of the day trying to fix them... Argh.

Also time spent identifying the office weirdo (nearly all of them) and the office bitch (opinions vary as to that, think I'll try to stay Switzerland).

I'm a little knackered now or I'd write more. Ciao.

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

stuff n things

Just to begin to clear my backlog of scribblings, quotes, ravings & links here are a few for your viewing pleasure:

Most bizarre thing seen at the Sydney Sexpo: the novelty "Yodeling Cow with Attractive Breasts". Go on, try and imagine it.

Favourite quote about America:
"Well, dere's a lot a lot more gun crime in de US, crack iz more havailable, and de porn is a lot more hardcore. But dere iz also some fings about it dat me don't like."
- Ali G in Entertainment Weekly

Interesting movie teaser. Not for the religiously inclined.

Driving behind a ('flesh-tone' pink) car the other day with emblazoned on the back, the fine print underneath reading "maximum capacity 1387 nudies". (Apparently they're a drink company with 37 reasons for calling themselves nudie)

On a recent trip to Melbourne (and rather overhung), when passing a large 12 story brick building that appeared to have no windows someone remarked "perhaps the windows are on the inside?". Hilarity ensued. And peaked when we saw the sign on the building that said National Eye Hospital (they don't really need windows then do they?). Well, it was morning and pre-coffee...

Right, now I've gotta go iron a shirt. Yeeuch.


So I went to see the latest Harry Potter installment tonight. Mostly because I'm a fan of Alfonso CuarĂ³n and partly 'cause I've seen the others and just can't leave things unfinished unless the series is beyond hope. I sort of enjoyed the books but the movies were a bit of a snore so I was hoping against hope that this one wasn't a disappointment.

Well, I wasn't totally let down. It was considerably better than the first two and a lot darker (bloody scary for a kids movie) And the CGI was superb, as well as the kids acting with the CGI (never an easy thing). Still too damn long and the acting isn't what you'd call fantastic from Daniel Radcliffe. And could Gary Oldman chew the scenery more?! Still it had Timothy Spall as a rat so it wasn't all bad. Emma Watson is still the best find of the young actors though.

So. To sum up - I wasn't appalled, there were only a few moments where I'd wished I'd brought a book and I didn't come away wanting to steal one of the seats to get my $12.50's worth.

Still you've probably all seen it long ago so this won't be of any interest. And if you haven't then you're not planning to and more power to ya. If you're at all interested, read this absolutely hilarious review. Far more entertaining than the actual movie.

Quote of the day:

"The mediocre movie explains everything twice and always means exactly what it says. It waves its sincerity aloft like a truce flag. It leaves no questions unanswered. It tells you exactly where you should stand in relation to its characters and its subject matter. It is frequently soothing because it tells you that you are right. Then, too, it can be like an unrelenting host who holds you captive until you finish every last morsel on the plate. But it tends not to stick in the memory because there's nothing there to wonder about."
- Vincent Canby -

Monday, August 09, 2004


Just to ease myself back into blogging here's one of those interminable lists that you find scudding about the interweb. I've always wanted to do them but had been afraid that once I start the compunction to keep doing them would take over and I'd never blog anything else again. Oh well, here goes...

30. Favourite Movie(s)?
The Princess Bride, Bladerunner, The Exorcist, American Splendour, Ghostbusters (just a small selection).
29. Favourite Colour: Green. Or red. Sorry to the colourblind.
28. Favourite Food? Potato salad. Or cannelloni.
27. Pet(s): Cat (estranged).
26. I would nominate as a holiday destination: Place I've been to: Golden Bay, NZ. Place I'd like to go: Cairo.
25. What talent do you wish you had? Any musical ability.
24. 3 most precious possessions? My cds, my books, my cat.
23. Favourite Artist(s): Antonio Gaudi, William Hogarth, Picasso.
22. Favourite Song(s): Currently: "Fuzzy" - Grant Lee Buffalo,"Turn It Around" - The Black Seeds, "Obstacle 1" - Interpol, "Mighty Little Man" - Steve Burns, "Set You Free" - The Black Keys
21. Embarrassing moment: The twice yearly turning up to work an hour early/late because of daylight savings. Every time. Without fail.
20. Perfect Job: Hermit. With internet of course.
19. If you were to be stuck on an Island 3 famous people you would choose? Meh. Famous shmamous. But my loins lead me to venture with Christina Ricci, Jennifer Connelly, Janeane Garofalo
18. What were you in a former life? A totem pole.
17. Three words to describe your dress sense? What IS that?!
16. Favourite part of your body? My hands.
15. Favourite Smell? Coffee.
14. Whose poster did you have on the wall growing up? I had dozens but none of people as far as I remember.
13. Favourite Memory? As a child: 7 yrs (ish), midsummer, lying in long grass in the sun watching bugs just going about their daily business.
12. Your Fear? Deep water (go figure!), heights.
11. All-time favourite TV Show The Simpsons.
10. If you can be one animal, which one would you be and why? A bear. Eat salmon and berries then sleep all winter. Ahhhh.
9. Most adventurous thing you have done? Modesty and legality force me to pass on that one...
8. If your apartment/house of fire what 3 things would you take? I don't have much in this city but: my cds, my jeans, Rupert's ashes.
7. First famous crush? Debbie Harry.
6. Favourite Book: The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
5. Favorite Fruit? Tomato. Yes it is a fruit.
4. Favourite Drink? Coffee, gin & tonic, beer.
3. Where were you born? Vancouver, Canada.
2. Three words to use by others to describe you? Amorevolous, erudite, verbose.
1. Favorite desert? The Sahara.

(via Michelle, blame her)

return of the fishy

*opens door, pushing aside mountain of junk mail*

*brushes off seat and settles himself*

*clears throat*

Hi everybody!

*resounding silence*

Umm, sorry I'm late. Traffic was a bitch.



*taps microphone*

This thing on?

Oh well, I'll be around more regularly now if anyone pops over. Better do some cleaning, those cobwebs are a disgrace - my mother would be mortified.

*rummages around desk*

Hey, where are all my pens?