Tuesday, January 05, 2010


I feel like I'm going mad. I simply cannot drag my mind away from thoughts that are poisonous to me, things that are gnawing away at my insides. Quite literally it appears: I'm still losing weight, down to about 75kgs now. Fuck it.

No appetite, no focus, no drive.

I made it to karate this evening, by a tremendous effort of will, and got kicked around a bit by Frazer for my troubles. Fun times - and it's worrying for my mental health that I mean that...

Still didn't manage to have dinner when I got home tho. The whole thought of eating fills me with revulsion at times - no, I'm not anorexic, I still feel the hunger, still want the food. Just can't stomach (hah!) the thought of eating.

I can't believe it's only Tuesday. This week seems interminably long already. This weekend cannot come fast enough.. and yet I dread it. There will be even more pain to be endured, I know, but a closure of a kind is coming. I need it, I fear it and I hope with every fibre of my being that it doesn't work out the way I think.

But the realist in me knows what must happen.

Sorry to be cryptic. If I ever grow a pair I may spill all on eti. But don't count on it.


y said...

My own belly hurts reading your post. I hope closure does come.xxx

helena said...

me too.

frogstar said...

love you long time, fb. let's talk again soon. xx

Jen said...

Have a look at this - recommended by my doc....for me of course, but I don't have the terrible thoughts issues..


My my, I'm just full of handy interwebs advice these days, aren't I? Major changes myself.

fishboy said...

That's awesome Jen - pretty much exactly what I need. I hope. Y'know, it was easier to keep up with your changes when you were blogging... *hint*

PS: Am steering clear of Facebook for a while. Too many options for heartache there.

y said...

Prune your facebook friends list.. I just did and it felt GREAT.

fishboy said...

It's been on my mind to do that.. But I have a terrible feeling that once I start whittling I'll end up with maybe a half a dozen people I want to interact with. And then I might as well just email.