I may be pretty fucked up at the moment emotionally and psychologically but I am encouraged by how much better I feel when I witness other people's happiness. I love to see friends happy together, it genuinely makes my heart lift. Seeing strangers exchanging affection brings a smile to my face too. I'm encouraged that I've not become one of the bitter at the world types - those who don't have what they want and hate seeing other people happy. There ought to be more joy in the world, I celebrate anyone who finds it.
That said - yes, the wedding yesterday was not fun for my poor introverted self. I very nearly didn't go due to a mild anxiety attack at having to mingle. But forced myself and even had a good time. Eventually.
But I wasn't the best company. I got into a couple of fights with friends: I hate that when feeling this way I can hold a light conversation with acquaintances/strangers (for a short time..) but those I'm closest to suffer the brunt of my surliness and hypersensitivity. I have some apologies to make tomorrow - and I fear at least one person is sick of them.
I have to learn how to deal with this - the hatred of being in crowds and having to interact with people. Small-talk fills me with a special kind of fear and loathing. The anticipation of the situation is one of the problems - I dwell on it and the anxiety builds and feeds on itself, crippling me even before I get there.
And, yes, the situation with never-to-be didn't go too well. Being that she's in the unenviable position of knowing me best she copped much of the bad. Which she dealt with well: not letting me get away with being a prick at all. I hope one day to be able to be in a social setting with her and conduct myself with equanimity. Yesterday, however, was not it.
Perhaps on Wednesday - when I have to endure a pre-birthday dinner in my honour...