Tuesday, January 26, 2010


This evening I spent in the company of the wonderful girl with whom I'm totally failing to fall out of love with. We have a great connection and rapport, an honesty that's been rare to find in my life. One that hasn't been harmed or diminished by my telling her how I feel about her. It's been lovely.

And incredibly sad.

Devastating, even, when she said I'd never told her she was beautiful. A word I've used in conjunction with her more than any other. She never heard it, never took it in.

I've never felt more invisible in my life.

I can't decide whether her leaving in a few weeks is going to rip my heart out or is the best thing that could happen. Probably both.


eroica said...

i feel utterly heartbroken on your behalf. *hug*

fishboy said...

Thanks babe :)
I'm not as bad as this blog makes out, really. It's just that I'm tending to only write when sad these days. In reality I'm not nearly so down all the time, or such a lovesick adolescent: not sure how people manage it frankly - it's too exhausting!
And this public catharsis thing is wearing a bit thin. Might be time to inject some levity to keep the punters happy...

eroica said...

i ate a sandwich and felt much better. i think it was just hypoglycemia.

helena said...

I don't think that we women ever do hear the word "beautiful" in conjunction with ourselves even when it is said and when we hear it we don't believe it anyway. So don't feel invisible on that account. The important thing is that you did/do say it.

y said...

What Helena said.

fishboy said...

helena & y: This girl has a very low self-esteem in a lot of ways - which is odd for someone so strong and independent. And her self-loathing is totally unjustified given her many qualities (yes, I'm biased - but I'm not the only one to have noticed).

The gutting thing about the situation was that she had just been praised for her beauty by someone else and was delighted with the compliment. It's just a blow to my ego really - the object of my affections doesn't return them and in fact hasn't even noticed them.