Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you; the right person will still think the sun shines out your ass.
- Mac MacGuff
This is true and right and the way it should be. The flip side is that you should feel the same way about them. And there's where the whole house of cards comes fluttering down.
It seems, at least in my experience, that when that irrefutable feeling arises in someone it's rare that the other person feels the same. In fact I would say it has happened all of once in my life - and even then the rightness didn't last. Although, to be fair, the odds were pretty firmly stacked against that one ever working out. But that's a story for another evening children...
My most successful relationships have been built on love, yes, but familiarity and respect and trust and all the other far less romantic things that really are much more important. But still - I want to feel that surety again. That unwavering certainty - the knowledge that this person fits - without ignoring the quirks, foibles and faults that obviously do exist. Eyes-open love.
I'm trying to find it encouraging that lately I've felt those things for someone. Even if, inevitably, they don't feel the same. As the Placebo song says (yes, an entire lobe of my brain is devoted to movie & song quotes.. and the complete Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series) "a heart that hurts is a heart that works". It should be encouraging that I can still encounter that depth of emotion in myself. I tell myself that often. And weep softly into my pillow every night.
But, jokes aside, it almost pains me to realise how much of a romantic I really am. All these years of weary cynicism have apparently been an affectation - who knew? Casting that aside is difficult: I wear it like a protective covering. But I need to crack the shell and reveal my soft inner workings for the gulls to feast on.
Ok, that analogy got away from me..
I'm not even sure why I am changing myself. I'm not convinced it'll bring me any more happiness, contentment or even a greater understanding of myself. Possibly this is just a masochistic phase I'm going through - flagellating in the hopes of achieving some kind of catharsis or absolving myself of something.
I really don't know. I'm hoping to discover some answers somewhere along the track but lately all I've been turning up are more questions.