I feel like I'm going mad. I simply cannot drag my mind away from thoughts that are poisonous to me, things that are gnawing away at my insides. Quite literally it appears: I'm still losing weight, down to about 75kgs now. Fuck it.
No appetite, no focus, no drive.
I made it to karate this evening, by a tremendous effort of will, and got kicked around a bit by Frazer for my troubles. Fun times - and it's worrying for my mental health that I mean that...
Still didn't manage to have dinner when I got home tho. The whole thought of eating fills me with revulsion at times - no, I'm not anorexic, I still feel the hunger, still want the food. Just can't stomach (hah!) the thought of eating.
I can't believe it's only Tuesday. This week seems interminably long already. This weekend cannot come fast enough.. and yet I dread it. There will be even more pain to be endured, I know, but a closure of a kind is coming. I need it, I fear it and I hope with every fibre of my being that it doesn't work out the way I think.
But the realist in me knows what must happen.
Sorry to be cryptic. If I ever grow a pair I may spill all on eti. But don't count on it.