So I'm in love right? Which sucks big hairy ones as always, let's be honest here. I'd say it's the best and worst thing about being alive except I haven't tried heroin yet. Love seems to be all about feeling like you've been coshed in the back of the head and had all your internal organs removed.
Especially when the object of one's ardour does not reciprocate.
How is that possible? I hear you cry. How, you continue, flabbergasted, can any woman resist the quirky yet oh-so-manly charms of such as you? For that I can offer no explanation - I can only ruefully shrug, a wry expression almost hiding the torment behind my chiselled features.
Ok, my faux-jocularity and facetiousness is tapped out.
Having clarified the situation, vis-à-vis mutuality of emotion, now comes the hard bit: disengagement for reasons of mental self-preservation.
This is someone I've spent a significant portion of the last year with and who has been a loving, supportive and positive influence on me through the shitstorm of 2009 (and who txted me on New Year's eve saying she couldn't have done Sydney without me, so at least I haven't been a total leech). We've been friends - inappropriately good friends at times. Although, while there's definitely a mutual attraction, we'd never acted on it (I seem to be developing morals in my old age).
So I don't know how to go about severing the connection without appearing a complete dick or a pathetic loser (both of which are facets to my scintillating personality, to be sure). Nor, if I'm honest, do I want to lose her. Well, obviously. Sometimes I think I'd prefer to endure the pain and hold onto the friendship. But I know that, at least for me, that way obsessive behaviour and madness lies.
So I need to somehow move on and move away from her in the hopes that I can stop thinking about her. Like this morning when I woke up and she wasn't on my mind. For five fucking seconds.
This is so exhausting.
Just to complicate matters nicely I'm even kinda seeing someone else (hey, it was all a bit too simple). A fun, lovely & passionate girl who is, in many ways, completely different from me. Someone who otherwise might own me like the dog I am. And maybe I can get there with her, time will tell. Or if not her then the next: I've lost faith in permanency of love or relationships recently - but I do still believe in their recurrence.
I'll leave you with this quote that has resonated with me so damn much since I first read it:
Man, I was thinking about unrequited love. I figure it's best to just walk that shit off. Find someone else to be excited about. It's like if you love ice cream but your ice cream man friend won't give you any. Maybe he's got a good reason. It cuts into profits. Who knows? But he likes you as a friend and wants to hang out anyway. It just drives you crazy to hang out with that dude, even if he's being reasonable from his point of view. So don't hang out with him. What, you ONLY like ice cream? It's ice cream or nothing? Don't be an asshole. Learn to love donuts.
- Joey Comeau
If this post ever makes it onto eti you'll know that I have completely lost my mind.