Tuesday, June 15, 2010

reality check

So.. self indulgence over. I think. For now.

I mean seriously, I've got to stop letting my heart run away with me. I am not going to keep doing this to myself - and it is me doing it. Let's be honest: it's not the heart-breakers' fault, I'm the one expecting too much. I'm not going to stop putting myself out there but I'm going to try to keep a more level head in future.

Try not to crash when things go sour, as they so often do. From reading Vanessa's post on the same kinda thing a while ago I've realised I invest too much in other people's connection to me. In relationships. And it devastates me when they end. I don't have a robust enough sense of self - perpetual low self-esteem and constant self-lacerating is very unhealthy (kids - just say no).

Now there's something to work on. I'll keep you posted.

In addition - emotional pain and anguish are pretty much inevitable in life (if you have a soul) but that's all the more reason not to dwell on it when it hapens. I'm beginning to figure out ways of steering my thoughts down more positive or at least distracting paths, tho I need to really work on this since it's my biggest hurdle when it comes to sleeping. Switching my brain off is a near impossible task, but I'm learning to lead it in comfortable circles till it just curls up into a snoozing ball.

Yes, I imagine my mind is a dog. Possibly a golden retriever.

So, in essence: thanks for your patience, I think I'm ok now. Tho watch out for the inevitable (if hopefully brief) relapse.


Jen said...

I used to think that I invested too much in that connection as well... until I began to understand that I was investing it in the wrong people.

Just something to consider. :)

fishboy said...

I hear you but I truly believed I was choosing right this time. I've made bad decisions in the past but thought that was past me. And to an extent it is - I'm not investing in the same insane manipulative women I used to. But somehow the outcome isn't much better.

You met Sam and, while she definitely has faults, she's certainly not crazy, duplicitous or a player. As it turns out I wasn't right for her (and vice versa, if I'm honest) but there were many things that worked. The awful situation that has come about is nothing she would ever have wished for I'm certain.

Ah well, chalk it up to experience and move on - try to make sure the next one is the right one..

eroica said...