Sorry in advance for the shite that this blog is going to contain over the next little while. I've discovered that writing my crises down actually helps - and I'm much better these days at using a computer than a paper notebook. So: welcome to my pit of despair. The exits are clearly labelled, don't be too polite to use 'em.
Expressing my feelings in a public forum still causes me extreme discomfort - I'm essentially a deeply private person. But I need to try and accept my own personality. I'm incredibly harsh on myself when looking back at the way I've lived and loved. Can never accept that I actually have a right to feel the way I do. I'm horribly embarrassed whenever I inevitably later dissect my words and actions.
I feel hollow. Coming to work today was an effort and I'm not sure that it's paid off - I've not done much more than go through my email for the last week. Don't actually feel like I'll achieve anything today. But I work for the government so probably no-one will notice.
Coming back to Sydney has been awful. For the very first time in the last year or more of life shit I wondered what I'm doing here. There's nothing I love here. Well, at least at the moment I can't see any joy in the place. I know, I know - it'll get better in time, but I seriously am thinking about getting the hell out of Dodge. I just don't know where I would go that would be better - joy is where you find it but misery you carry with you.
I just don't know how to put this baggage of unhappiness down. I fear it's become such a part of my life that I'll never get rid of it.
PS I'm playing with the layout of this thing a bit. Bear with me, it'll probably change look a lot over the next little while. Not the content of course - that'll stay consistent..