Wednesday, June 09, 2010


So my recent and ongoing emotional crisis is relationship based. As usual. When is there ever anything else to bring me to froth so melodramatically online? I'm nothing if not consistent. Consistently adolescent.

Yes, another love affair has ended, and ended badly.

It's not so much the hurt and loss - that's hard, always painful, but it passes. Rejection sucks but we've all been there on both sides of the coin and you just try to suck it up and deal with it as best you can. As rationally as your irrational emotions will allow.

It's the sense of humiliation that I can't cope with. The realisation that I was disposable.

Our relationship was supposed to be secret because she couldn't be sure how her boss would react to the liaison (probably badly, to be fair - the boss is a psychopath..). Eventually I think this meant that it was much less 'real' in her mind than in mine. Which was pointedly driven home to me when, a few weeks after we split up, she starts dating someone else in the office. Pretty much openly.

Fortunately she's now left for another job so I don't have to be around them as a couple any more - although I still have to work with him (how that's going to go I have no idea). But she's friends with many of the people who work here still and a part of the drinking circle - and since I just can't be around them at the pub I'm guessing I'll be saving money on booze for a while.

I don't begrudge her a new relationship with someone she feels better suited to - it hurts like hell but there's no arguing with that really. I told her what I thought and my feelings and basically they weren't good enough - though she did me the kindness of saying she wasn't sure if she was choosing the right guy. But she chose him anyway.

(Aside: that's the second time that pretty much the exact same situation has occurred. I'm trying not to make too much of that..)

I know she never meant to hurt me - she said that and I know her well enough that it's the truth. But the sad fact is that she just didn't care enough to try not to hurt me as collateral. I wouldn't want her to have another secretive relationship like ours but the timing and the way they went about it was brutal. Now everyone knows about their relationship and is all "that's wonderful!" and "I knew it would happen" while the last six months of us being together evaporates like smoke. No-one knew - so it never happened.

The sympathetic/pitying looks from the few people who did know don't help either. Not that they have or probably will say anything to me - unfortunately, when the chips are down, people just like her more. And fair enough - so did I.

Again a relationship ends with my heart in tatters and my group of friends severely reduced. Christ, another year of this and I'll have alienated everyone I've ever met in Sydney.


Sal said...

>The realisation that I was disposable.

ah. yes.


i'm afraid that's the essence of any relationship with ANY "mature" woman. they don't go out with YOU. they have A BOYFRIEND. you just happen to be acting out that role at the moment.

you want an "immature" woman who has actually grown up.

so do i.

there's buggerall of them.

and they've usually been grabbed at the age of 16 by some arsehole. who neither understands nor knows his luck. and abuses it.

Sal said...

to be clear(ish): "adult"hood is very very different from maturity.

Jen said...

aww, babes, I'm sorry.

Sadly, for many years everyone I cared about married the NEXT person they dated after me. How's that for a kick in the head? I'm trying not to let that worry me now that I've gotten myself into a relationship for the first time since Matt. Although, it does upset him that I can't talk about my feelings.... workin' on it.

I hope things settle down for you, and as we talked, maybe it's time for you to take some time to care for yourself as much as we care about you, yanno?

xo's from Canada

fishboy said...

Sal: It's not that bad mate, really. And, while I'm heartbroken and hurt, I understand what happened was not intended. I know only too well that you have no control over who you fall in love with. And when that happens.

Jen: Heh, it used to be with me that they'd become lesbian after we broke up. Lately it's been more that they find true love after me..

I wish I knew how to take care of myself. I'd settle for simply liking myself. I hope I get there.

eroica said...

jeffy darling, we'll keep on liking you till you get the hang of it ok? (and afterwards too)