So yesterday I saw my ex for the first time since well before xmas. It was nice to see her and the whole thing was suitably awkward and uncomfortable.
When you end a relationship with someone that you've been with for so long it's very difficult to know how to interact as a 'not-couple'. I guess it's something you figure out in time but at the moment not having any contact is the better route. We didn't break up for any terrible heart-breaking reason beyond realising that, while our relationship was comfortable and loving, it just wasn't right. And, to tell the truth, I just couldn't imagine being with her for the rest of my life any more. I certainly couldn't conceive (heh) of having children with her.
So, although there were aspects of our break-up that sucked big hairy arses and were pretty painful, the hurt and bad feeling has gone entirely. As has any sexual desire, thankfully. But when she said she'd be moving away from Sydney soon it was a bit of a wrench. I don't have any wish to spend time with her now - and probably not for a long time - but it was weird to think of being in this city when she's not.
Plus she'll be taking the cat and dog - which sucks. It was so lovely to be around them again: I really miss animal companionship. Yes, I have goldfish - but have you ever tried to hug one? Don't. Just.. don't. And they very rarely fetch.
I can't have pets at my current place and I'm loath to move again when my lease is up in three months - but I think I'm going to have to think about finding a pet friendly place at some stage in the future. Cats have been pretty much a constant in my life for as long as I can remember and now I've had a dog I'm pretty keen to do that again. Anyway. Need to sort out many other aspects of my life before that one.
This evening I had dinner with a couple who were/are good friends of mine and my ex. A couple who I haven't seen since October - before the break-up. They, on the other hand, have kept up regular contact with the ex - which was frankly a bit hurtful since I've had nothing from them for months. And they were supposedly my friends first (as adolescent as that sounds).
But beyond being a bit hurt I don't really hold anything against them - you can't make people like you and if they feel like they have to take sides then there's really no arguing against that. It was nice to see them, and their kids - their boy drew me a couple of pictures to put on my fridge which was very sweet.
It was awkward though.
Which is probably down to me: I appear to be going through a bit of an awkward phase this lifetime. I can't seem to do small-talk or chitchat much. And, much as it's most often banal and pointless, phatic communication is an essential element to conversation. People use it to set others at ease before moving to more meaningful discussion. I, on the other hand, tend to dive straight to the deep and intense a lot too quickly - or just remain silent.
I need to learn to prattle. Get my blather on.
Must pick up a copy of "Small-Talk For Dummies"...