I'm ok. Surprisingly ok.
Last night was lovely: really, truly lovely. Even though there were plenty of tears. There was honesty and openness, we said and shared many of the things we'd been holding back for a long time. There is a connection there that is real and special and I think will last separation. I feel very optimistic about that now. For, I think, the very first time.
Not that I'm thinking that we'll ever be a couple - that's a wish I'd be foolish to entertain. Just that our friendship and the meeting of minds will rekindle if we see each other again. Which is still a big if.
For now, as far as this situation goes, I'm content. Sad - yes, bereft - yes, but also at peace with the situation.
I said what I needed to say and got a depth of response that I.. if I'm honest, didn't expect. That is something I'm very thankful for. I never doubted my own feelings but I've always been unsure of hers - my self-doubting nature leads me to doubt the sincerity of others when they tell me they care for me (i.e. why would they? I'm nothing special). Which is ironic: I've been constantly building this girl up, telling her that her lack of self-esteem is so unwarranted, making sure she knows her good qualities... and yet I seem to be unable to do the same for myself.
It's so much easier to give advice than to follow it. So much easier to see good things in other people than in myself. That's got to change. Along with a bunch of other things.
It's new beginnings time.