Friday, June 11, 2010


Sorry in advance for the shite that this blog is going to contain over the next little while. I've discovered that writing my crises down actually helps - and I'm much better these days at using a computer than a paper notebook. So: welcome to my pit of despair. The exits are clearly labelled, don't be too polite to use 'em.

Expressing my feelings in a public forum still causes me extreme discomfort - I'm essentially a deeply private person. But I need to try and accept my own personality. I'm incredibly harsh on myself when looking back at the way I've lived and loved. Can never accept that I actually have a right to feel the way I do. I'm horribly embarrassed whenever I inevitably later dissect my words and actions.

I feel hollow. Coming to work today was an effort and I'm not sure that it's paid off - I've not done much more than go through my email for the last week. Don't actually feel like I'll achieve anything today. But I work for the government so probably no-one will notice.

Coming back to Sydney has been awful. For the very first time in the last year or more of life shit I wondered what I'm doing here. There's nothing I love here. Well, at least at the moment I can't see any joy in the place. I know, I know - it'll get better in time, but I seriously am thinking about getting the hell out of Dodge. I just don't know where I would go that would be better - joy is where you find it but misery you carry with you.

I just don't know how to put this baggage of unhappiness down. I fear it's become such a part of my life that I'll never get rid of it.

PS  I'm playing with the layout of this thing a bit. Bear with me, it'll probably change look a lot over the next little while. Not the content of course - that'll stay consistent..


eroica said...

hug hug hug love love hug hug love hug

Anonymous said...

Hey, hope you feel better soon.

You Don't Know Me

Fence said...

You don't know me either, but I've just noticed tht you've linked to my blog, so maybe you do know me but I don't know you :)

Anyways, just a quick note to say thanks for the link. And you know what they say about better out than in, so hope the sharing works for you

fishboy said...

Thanks all. I wish it didn't but knowing people actually read some of this drivel kinda helps. All part of my desperate search for validation I guess - or the search for community perhaps. That sounds less pathetic.

Fence: I was drawn by the title of your blog - a gem from the brilliant Terry Pratchett - but stayed for the excellent commentary and analysis. Thank you for your visit and kind words.

Sal said...

>I've discovered that writing my crises down actually helps

hell, that's why 99% of us started blogging in the first place

fishboy said...

Heh, it's taken six years for me to get to that point. I've always been a late bloomer..