asynchronous

I watched Juno (finally!) last night. It was quite lovely and quirky - and not in an annoying way. This particular quote from one of my favourite character actors (J K Simmons) particularly struck me - partly for how true it is and partly for how much it leaves out:

Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you; the right person will still think the sun shines out your ass.
- Mac MacGuff

This is true and right and the way it should be. The flip side is that you should feel the same way about them. And there's where the whole house of cards comes fluttering down.

It seems, at least in my experience, that when that irrefutable feeling arises in someone it's rare that the other person feels the same. In fact I would say it has happened all of once in my life - and even then the rightness didn't last. Although, to be fair, the odds were pretty firmly stacked against that one ever working out. But that's a story for another evening children...

My most successful relationships have been built on love, yes, but familiarity and respect and trust and all the other far less romantic things that really are much more important. But still - I want to feel that surety again. That unwavering certainty - the knowledge that this person fits - without ignoring the quirks, foibles and faults that obviously do exist. Eyes-open love.

I'm trying to find it encouraging that lately I've felt those things for someone. Even if, inevitably, they don't feel the same. As the Placebo song says (yes, an entire lobe of my brain is devoted to movie & song quotes.. and the complete Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series) "a heart that hurts is a heart that works". It should be encouraging that I can still encounter that depth of emotion in myself. I tell myself that often. And weep softly into my pillow every night.

I kid.

But, jokes aside, it almost pains me to realise how much of a romantic I really am. All these years of weary cynicism have apparently been an affectation - who knew? Casting that aside is difficult: I wear it like a protective covering. But I need to crack the shell and reveal my soft inner workings for the gulls to feast on.

Ok, that analogy got away from me..

I'm not even sure why I am changing myself. I'm not convinced it'll bring me any more happiness, contentment or even a greater understanding of myself. Possibly this is just a masochistic phase I'm going through - flagellating in the hopes of achieving some kind of catharsis or absolving myself of something.

I really don't know. I'm hoping to discover some answers somewhere along the track but lately all I've been turning up are more questions.

recap

I'm having difficulty blogging today. Most days this catharsis thing has been pretty easy - like the words wanted to come out. Possibly not in the order they arrived but hopefully my prose will improve with practice.

It's not like I don't have anything to say either. Although, while I seldom lack for things to say on pretty much any topic (I prefer 'loquacious' rather than 'mouthy'), the topic of myself is one that is more difficult to expound upon. I've spent so many years keeping personal things inside (deep DEEP inside..), revealing only a little to my closest friends and lovers, and it's a difficult habit to break. My current frame of mind just doesn't want to be exposed.

So I'll backtrack a little to clarify some of the more cryptic of my previous posts:

A couple of weeks ago (was it really that short a time? jeez..) the girl I'm seeing (I hesitate to use the term 'girlfriend' when the relationship is so new and, after the events I'm relating, who knows what will happen?) got pregnant. Hence the 'I am irony personified' quip: one of the reasons I'd split from my long-term partner last year was our irreconcilable differences concerning the having of children. I was (note that word) very much in the negative team.

During our delightfully stress-free breakup (ha!) she semi-joked that if I ended up having children with someone else she'd punch me in the face. I semi-jokingly agreed that it would be ironic - and also incredibly unlikely. Reminder to self: never tempt fate, you pillock.

In any case - it did not come to pass. The pregnancy was a wash-out (god, someone make me stop with the bad jokes, please!) (and the parentheseses) and, after a week or so of believing our lives had just irrevocably changed, things now go back to normal. How that works I've no idea.

The most disturbing thing about the whole mess was how calmly I took it and how relaxed I was. It was as if there was only one path to follow - which, in truth, was pretty accurate.

Choices had been made and I didn't have to figure out what I wanted to do with my life anymore. I found it almost a relief.

Which disturbs me and makes me question a lot of the assumptions about myself that I've made. I'm beginning to wonder if some of my introspection was simply an exercise in making myself believe something I wasn't that sure about. And I'm not sure I'm ready to dig deeper into that at the moment.

So the upshot is that I'm not going to be a father - and the budding relationship I was/am in is now permanently damaged (whether that's a good or bad thing I really don't know).

All this on top of the generally fucked up mental/emotional maelstrom my head contains has taken a bit of the shine off 2010.

I think it's time to get that back. With gin! Wheee!

gaunt

Ok, everyone needs to stop going on about how skinny I am. My mother especially. Although, to be fair, she was going on about how skinny I was when I was 10kgs heavier. Which makes me wonder if she thinks I'm a walrus.

I don't even feel like I'm really eating that much less. But that may be the problem - the dissonance between what I think and reality. Which, it has been pointed out to me before, is a foible of mine. I just reckon reality should just get with the program and do as I say. It'd be better for everyone.

Anyway.

Have gone from a hot muggy Sydney summer to a cool drizzly Christchurch summer. Which reminds me why I don't live here anymore. Must go buy a hat now. Possibly a scarf. And most certainly COFFEE.

exodus

Bollocks to this, I'm off to New Zealand.

Talk to you from the other side (of the ditch).

second wind

So my evening has been, on the whole, good - I think. We had fun, laughed, talked shit, talked seriously, got angry at each other, forgave, then laughed & joked more. It's been lovely and it ended on a rather sad and wistful note but, in the scheme of things, that's about as good as it's going to get.

Now I have to shower & change and head out again. Ahh, the life of a social butterfly.. All I really want is sleep, but since that's been in pretty short supply for the last two or three months I'll settle for a social life.

Must also put some time aside for packing.

Hope you're all deliriously happy wherever you are. Smooch.

fry day

What's the point of Friday? I mean really? Okay, I guess I got some work done this morning - in between the chatting, long coffee breaks and inevitable tomfoolery about the office - but after lunch?

Forgetaboutit.

Especially when lunch involves going to the pub for two and a half hours. Why we came back to the office I don't know. Especially since my boss was the instigator of the pub trip and drank more than anyone. Not like we have to pretend to work now.

Not that I'm even pretending.

Anyway. To more self-indulgent things: I'm catching up with the crushee this evening which will be fun I've decided. I seem to have an even keel about this now, thankfully. She's moving back to Tasmania for good in a few weeks anyway so it seems more important to try and keep the friendship alive than anything - which will be difficult enough over email, need to get things on a firm footing now.

So I'm positive about seeing her if a little fatalistic. Which I think is a good thing too - all I can do is be me and the cards will fall where they will.

On a much more positive note I'm crossing the ditch tomorrow for a week of well earned relaxation. Drinking coffee, hanging out with friends, generally mooching about Christchurch and, most importantly, helping Eroica sort out the house she just bought. Good times :)

star fuck'd

I'm too drunk to blog proply so I give you more horrorscopes:

Aquarius
The moon will be in retrograde for the entire length of 2010 which will lead to its eventual ejection from the Sol system. As a result of losing its main natural satellite the Earth will suffer from weaker tides and a long period of adjustment for nocturnal species who have evolved to measure passages of time and synchronise cycles of activity with the moon's hitherto regular presence. All this is bad news for Aquarians who will be blamed for the general upheaval of life by windsurfers and bats with the two previously disparate groups coming together to slaughter everyone born under this particular star sign in late August.
Lucky Pantone Colour: 4725 U

Man, I should not be this inebriated and in charge of a keyboard...

If you receive an email from me tonight please delete.

PS I love you.

positivity

Ok so my emotions are still all over the place like a mad woman's knitting but I'm determined not to let this shit drag me down.

I've been focused for far too long on the negative aspects of my life, my relationships, and especially my personality. It's time to actually start realising that I'm not all bad, accepting the bits that are (and changing them where possible), and just being happy with being me.

Big words that are going to be excruciatingly difficult to implement but fucking hell, enough is enough. I'm actually pretty awesome.

newhome

I lived in the lovely yet somewhat sedate suburb of Glebe for years so being in Newtown is a definite change of pace:

At 10pm on a Monday the place is still bustling with activity and full of life. Won't sound like much to those of you who live in big cities but I grew up in Christchurch so this is a different world to live in.

This is probably the only place in the city where a Mongolian throat-singer can busk and make a living. A pretty good living from the attention he gets.

Also possibly the only place you would see someone skateboarding down the sidewalk playing a guitar.

Although this is more of Darlinghurst/King's Cross thing: the 2 metre tall black transvestite in stiletto heels sashaying down to the grocer's and making friends with everyone along the way. Marvellous.

Much else in my life is shit at the moment but this sort of thing makes me very happy.

fml

Life is sucking for you? Don't ever think things can't get worse.

Had a big post ready to go about this but have thought better of it. Suffice to say that there are legal troubles afoot at work. They’re of a corporate nature primarily, but the dirt is starting to fly also. I appear to be getting in the crossfire due to my friendship with the girl I was talking to yesterday. Ending up in court testifying against each other should just cap off the relationship nicely.

I better leave it at that. Losing my job would absolutely make the start to the year legendary.

I think I'm going to start having vodka with my cereal in the mornings.