Another fkn diary entry

I am so dumb. I mean, in certain ways. I know that in general I'm fucking smart, perceptive, and know a shitload of stuff. I am also smart enough to grasp my limitations and, sadly, perceive my declining intellect.

But some things. Fuck me. Nearly thirty years of adult life and I'm still being surprised about stuff that other people seem to have grasped in their infancy. For instance it only just occurred to me the other day that most people don't think about suicide all the time.

I mean, I get that in the depths of my depression last year I was thinking about killing myself an abnormal amount - and with a level of detail that was definitely indicative of psychosis. But what I didn't understand or think to tell my doctor or therapist was that thinking about suicide was normal for me. A daily thing.

I didn't think to let anyone know about the baseline because I had no idea it wasn't normal. How fucked is that? What an idiot.