language warning

I've been here a little over a year now and already I can feel the Ockerisms settling into my speech. God help me - I'm going native.

I'm all 'mate' and 'no worries' all the time, although I've yet to sink to the level of the 'giving me the shits'. Or 'sheets' rather. For all that the Aussies tell us to buy a vowel (and, let's face it, fair cop), at the very least they could buy a vowel other than an 'e'.

It's been ages since I've said 'bro' or 'choice', and 'sweet' is a little too pan-Antipodean to be NZ definitive.

I was in a bookshop the other day and a couple of (extremely!) large brown guys sidled past and as I got out of their way they said "Cher, bro" and "Kia ora" which brought an instant grin to my face. Us Kiwis aren't all that uncommon here but it's nice to encounter language that could be straight from Rotovegas.

Anyway, I'm making it my mission this week to amuse everyone at the office by overdoing the Nu Zullund uckzent and calling everyone 'bro' - gender regardless. See how long it lasts before I get laughed out of the building.

But in a totally unrelated 'I've-been-wondering' aside - who decided on the width of toilet paper? It's all the same width! Is this an issue to people with other-than-normal-sized/shaped butt cracks?

And can anyone explain to me why these things even occur to me?

Brennus and his fantastic moustache

One of the *massive* figureheads from the French exhibition at the Maritime Museum. Man those Frogs really made some freaky/hilarious/cool carvings..

More pics on my flickr blog.

big brother

No this isn't a post about those insufferable wankers prostituting themselves on tv, it's just too easy to pick on them. This is about my fucking irkmates again.

Yeah I know, stuck record. Tough shit, suck it up if you want to read on. But feel free to leave at any stage, your exits are wherever the hell you like.

This is about those people who come to you with a problem or just to pass some work on and then hang around watching. For ages. No matter how resolutely you turn your back and turn up the volume in your headphones.

I hate people watching me. Really loathe it. Alright, that probably just points out my paranoia more than anything. But still, what do they think hanging over me is going to accomplish? Well, I know that one of my irkmates does it because she wants to see me fuck up - just so she can tell me all about it. Sadly for her I rarely allow her that pleasure.

I think a lot of civil servants are control-freaks, often frustrated ones, so whenever they are in a position to be able to exert their will over a process or a person they're loath to relinquish any of that satisfaction to someone else.

Or maybe they just purely exist to PISS ME OFF.

Today I was given the wonderful task of cleaning up someone else's FUBAR and I made the mistake of actually asking that person what the problem was. Of course she didn't see anything wrong, despite the fact the file had been bounced around the building for some time accreting a heavy coating of post-its and red ink. Anything that has a Rorschach of lines, circles and question marks on it makes my stomach sink when I see it on a Friday afternoon - it means I'll probably be the last to leave. Everyone else will be merrily drunk at the pub down the road before I manage to get off the phone.

Today was one of those days, made infinitely more irritating by the fact that my co-irker insisted in hanging around like the malevolent shade she is, periodically muttering things about it being fine when she processed it. Well, obviously not you incompetent hack. She lurked around my desk even when I was on hold for about 10 minutes while an equally incompetent funeral director flailed through his haphazard filing 'system'. She only finally fucked off when I pointedly said I'd let her know when I'd fixed it and what the problem was. Which of course won't stop her from doing the same thing again next week.

So, all in all a crappy afternoon. And to add injury to insults I find that I'm probably not going to be paid for a couple of hours overtime due to some fucked up rule about having to take a break between 'standard' hours and 'overtime' hours.

I'm going to make it my mission to steal enough office supplies to make up for it. Perhaps hock 'em off on eBay. Anyone need any staples?

Aussie hip hop - stand the fuck up

I know I've bagged Australian hiphop before on a few occasions and by and large I stand by those comments. But I've discovered a few absolute gems here - well, one in particular:

Hilltop Hoods aren't really pushing the boundaries of hiphoprasy much, in fact they're decidedly old-school in their delivery but oh-my-god do they play well live. I've not heard their albums yet and to tell the truth I'm a bit reluctant to since what I've heard of their live stuff kicks so much as I think studio work would pale in comparison. But I may be wrong (it's happened once or twice before) and I'm intending to pick up at least one of the albums at some stage.

All this adulation is coming off the back of just hearing them on the radio. I've heard two of their gigs on Triple J before and tonight they performed in Ayr for the One Night Stand show. They just sound so fantastic live - the crowd response is instant and genuine. Brilliant stuff. I was shakin ma booty in the car on the way home from karate.

I urge anyone who gets a chance to see these guys live to go for it. I know I will be whenever they next come to town.

Right, I must sleep. Night all.

PS Happy birthday Claire! You geriatric..

Office Space was a documentary

Ok, so it's obvious that I have a very low irritation threshold. I mean people breathing too loudly in movies gets (ironically) up my nose. Ads on tv make me want to scream and throw things at the screen, ads on the radio throw me into a rage.. I'll stop there or this'd just be a rant about the billion and one things that NEED TO STOP RIGHT NOW OR ELSE.

*deep breaths* Relax Jeff.. Ohhhhhmmmmm..

So.. Today's mini rant - office politics.

Fuck I hate people. Especially people I have to work with every day. One particular such co-irker (whom I nicknamed 'The Queen of Spades' some time ago and it seems to have stuck. heh.) is the same lowly grade of desk jockey as me but seems to feel that since she's been there for forever and a day she owns the fucking place. Now this is generally of no concern to me because quite frankly if she wants it she can have it, I just work there. I've no desire to become part of the machine any more than I already am. But recently she's begun trying to organise the work according to her warped sense of logic and it's pissing other people off.

Now that concerns me, not because I care so much for their welfare but because they all come and MOAN TO ME FOR HOURS ABOUT HER.

Argh. Jee-sus. Fuck off and deal with it yourself! Push her out a window, feed her into the shredder, I don't care - I'd even quietly applaud - just don't get me to fight your battles. In fact don't bitch to me at all if you're not going to do anything about it.

Grr.

Oh, as an aside, I learnt a rather amusing fact about the aforementioned Dark Queen today: it seems that before becoming the lowest of the low - sorry, civil servant, I'm always getting that wrong - she worked for a circus. Now the first thing that sprang to mind when I heard that was "As a sideshow freak?". VERY bitchy of me. And I actually said it too - I've got so many feet in my mouth you wouldn't think I'd be able to say anything out but nevertheless these things still get out. Fortunately she wasn't around at the time..

But no, she was just a carny. Which explains a few things. Like the small hands and the smell of cabbage *snigger*

I think I've vented enough for one day, I'll save the diatribe about assholes who don't cover their mouths when they cough for another day. Oh that's going to be a nasty one.

After that I'll work-over the exhibitionist morons who go on Big Brother..

carroty goodness

MYSTERY CARROT AWARD
for website adequacy

I think there should perhaps be an 'in' before that last word.

analyse me. please.

So there I was last night being pursued through my dreams by the Unstoppable Kitten of Doom (tm). I mean this thing was like the Terminator - at one stage someone cut it completely in two with a cleaver and threw the bits away but it just dusted itself off and got back up again.

We crushed it under a rock but that had no effect. Even tried to dissolve it in acid. All to no avail.

It wasn't exactly a fast moving kitten, we were outrunning it ok - it was just annoying, always there behind us & trying to eat us. It actually did bite off someone's finger at one stage but then he was trying to throw it over a cliff at the time so fair enough really. And it didn't swallow it anyway, we put it on ice to get stitched back on later.

But it was definitely a killer kitten, don't get me wrong - it could claw through an iron cage with ease. Teeth that could crush rocks. Blood crazed look in its eyes.

Adorably cute though.

I woke up before it managed to do anyone any serious damage and I've got to say I never felt terrified of it (not like the Man-Eating Shallots From Hell (tm) in a previous dream, they were really scary..) it was just always after us.

Anyone got an explanation? Perhaps something to do with the sangria and feijoa vodka I'd been drinking?


BTW I'm back now.
Managed to get away from Boba & Jengo - they had me cooking eggs for a month.