Tuesday, March 01, 2005

call me david

For I have killed Goliath. I can prove it: I've got his death certificate.

I did King Kong the other week too (Kong is actually his middle name btw). He was a pussy.

I've massacred many luminaries, such as Doris Day, David Bowie, Salma Hayek, Robbie Burns, James Dean, Kenny Everett, Keith Richards, and Nina Simone. Amongst others. I'm an unstoppable killing machine.

You could even call me Judas - I've killed the Messiah. Well, probably just a messiah.. (actually it was a typo, shoulda been Massiha.. still, it's nearly as good as the 'Scared Funerals' one *g*)

It's been a while since I tried to get myself Dooced by ranting on about work and the weirdness that goes on there. Actually I'd probably appreciate being fired, the shine has definitely come off this job. I'll tell you about the guy in my office with the persistent cough sometime when I can do it without frothing at the mouth and fantasizing about tying a knot in his windpipe..

But some of the amusing, interesting or just plain bizarre things I've come across:

The guy who's nickname, recorded for all eternity on his death certificate, is "Dick Honey". He had no excuse, his first name wasn't even Richard. Another had the interesting moniker of "Duck Bong". I'm baffled.

A trio of hilariously (to my puerile mind) named Chinese women: Fook-Ye, Kitty Fok, and the last called Sha Wing. Oh, you just can't make this stuff up.

But showing that the Oriental people aren't the only ones to have silly names, the lovely Grace Myfanny from England had me in stitches. What were her parents thinking?!

And of course there was the Bozo. From a family of Bozos. And he had three Bozo children. Sheesh.

The woman inexplicably named Cloreen. I wonder if she was employed as a pool sanitiser?

The most interesting place of birth: "under a tree" and in the 'Name of Attending Doctor' field "there was none". Brilliant.

Then there's the guy who died from (amongst other things) an occult bowel obstruction. I know it's a valid medical term but it makes me think he'd been eating wax voodoo dolls.

In the oddly-named-towns category there's Bogangate, NSW. I'm picturing a town of mullets, black jeans and Motorhead t-shirts. And Holden HQ's of course.

It gets funnier when you get into medical acronyms. Sprinkled amongst the prosaic HT, AMI, COAD, IHD, etc are gems like TNCF - meaning Toe Nails Cut & Filed, and GOK = God Only Knows. You know if that's on your chart in hospital things are looking grim.

More amusingly there are the actual official medical abbreviations FLK and FLM. Translating respectively as Funny Looking Kid and Funny Looking Mother. Oh man, I was in hysterics when I found that..

But it's not all shits & giggles - there was a guy who's profession was listed as 'Circus Performer', but given that he died of chronic alcohol poisoning must have been one of the sad clowns.

And just the other day an overweight diabetic who'd had three separate amputations in the last 4 months of his life. Talk about dying by degrees.

There are so many sad stories. People who have died destitute and alone and not been found for days or weeks. Or in one memorable case, years. Sure there are many who've lived long lives and are mourned by family and friends, but there are others - like the woman in her twenties who died suddenly (24 hours!) of septic shock, leaving three children under 5. Or the 90 year-old woman who'd had severe Alzheimer's dementia, depression, anxiety and immobility for 20 years. I just hope to have the faculties left to take myself out before I get that bad.

Damn. Sorry, I didn't mean to get all depressing. There's just a lot of death about and when you work with it it's hard not to dwell on mortality far more than most people find comfortable.

I meant to write a bit about the death of Doctor Gonzo the other day. Not so much about him personally but the effect his books have had on my life, from reading them and also through Rupert & mine's interesting attempt to recreate portions of "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas". Man, those are some brain cells I wont be getting back. Maybe another day.

I've also got a bitch about the Academy Awards all stored up too.. I've got rants about most things when it comes down to it.

And this post goes to illustrate why I should stick to photos of cats. I just don't know when to stop..

How about now? Righto.

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