he was so young..

In lieu of actual words and meaning, here's a pic I found lurking on my hard-disk.

adios amoebas

Bollocks to this, I'm off to Port Douglas.

If I survive the sharks, saltwater crocs and jellyfish I'll be back next week.

the zen of buses

I use public transport a lot.

Mostly because driving in this city is a futile and maddening affair, partly because I don't really enjoy driving much, partly because I'm a goddamn hippy and hate to see more of the planet swallowed up by roads, gas-stations, parking spaces and SU-fucking-Vs.

Not at all because I don't actually have a drivers license. Oops. I noticed a month or so ago that my NZ license expired earlier this year and I've so far totally failed to get my Aussie license. Naughty Fishboy.

But back to the buses.

What is it with people who talk on their cellphones on the bus? And why is it that they always talk so LOUD? Do they not understand that buses are a time for relaxation and quiet contemplation: meditation even. All interaction with other people should be shunned at all costs. Even eye contact is best avoided.

Some people choose to read books or the newspaper but we bus purists need not those fripperies. Just gaze out the window and allow the hypnotic rhythms of the bus and soothing honks from the traffic transport you (heh) to a state of mass transit nirvana. Or that's what I tell myself every morning when I'm being thrown around inside a giant cocktail shaker by a deranged, epileptic driver.

If you receive a call on a bus by all means talk. But keep it brief and quiet. The whole bus doesn't need to hear your shrieking gossip about what that skank did at the party on Saturday, or the details of your quarterly finance meeting, or your passive-aggressive argument with your lover.

similarly, if you're on the bus with a friend try to use your 'indoor' voice. If the bus happens to be packed and you're standing somewhat apart with other people between you WAIT till you get OFF the BUS. Don't keep shouting at each other over fellow passengers because they will get VERY annoyed and string you up from the ceiling rails by your daft useless scarf you peroxided HARPY.

Ok, I didn't actually do that but then I'd not had my morning coffee so I was focused mostly on trying to stay awake & upright. But that and several other gruesome scenes sprang to mind. There are a couple of irritating idiots still alive in the world just because I'm not a morning person.

awwww..

Cats in sinks.

That Fraser just keeps getting weirder & weirder. But in a good way.

avert your eyes

Warning, only those with *very* strong stomachs should view this.

This is a serious warning - do NOT blame me if you are offended.

It even makes me ill, every time I look..
but I just can't turn away..

*shudder*

EDIT: Doesn't work anymore, kv took mercy and removed the offending pictures. To those of you who missed it - think yourselves lucky. The images will haunt me for a long, long time..

steal this blog

Honestly. You'd have to make a better fist of it than I am..

But in any case, my rant for the day:

Advertising on the sides of buses. They're kinda the red-headed step-children of billboard adverts.

Often faces of radio 'personalities' showing exactly why they work in radio not on TV, flashy promos for the latest Hollywood crapbuster featuring square-jawed heroes and surgically enhanced heroines, or (my favourite) animated characters with improbably-large-and-gravity-defying-breasts promoting the latest x-box/playstation life-waster. When silicon just isn't enough, use CGI!

My gripe though is with a couple of second-stringer ads. There's this one that purports to be for a shampoo but the fact is that when you look at the picture what springs to mind is "my GOD look at the udders on her!" or similar. Sure I'm speaking from a male perspective here but it takes quite a while for the eye and brain to move onto other parts of the ad. Where it can be spotted that her hair is, yes, somewhat shiny.

But honestly - come on! Her breasts are right smack in the middle, so obviously the central point. I didn't have time to measure the space used but I'm sure there's more breast area than anything else in that pic, including the huge waterfall behind her (because people who bathe in waterfalls always have the best hair, it's a scientific fact). I should have read the fine print, perhaps it was breast enlargement shampoo and I'm slagging it off to no purpose.

Anyway, enough of that one. Oh - hang on, the name of the shampoo was 'Rosetta & Stone' which baffled me. Perhaps they're appealing to the long overlooked but lucrative Egyptologist market?

The other ad is just so stupid. Advertising some clothing store or something but features a woman reclining draped in fancy fabrics. Sounds innocuous but the way she's lying and the look on her (blank, glazed) face just scream *junkie*! All you'd need are a few track marks and a string of drool from the corner of her mouth. Or perhaps it's a dead body - fashion photographers having decided that models charge far too much now just keep a couple on ice.. Wouldn't surprise me in the least.

Anyway, rant over - go about your business.

how shocking (fnar fnar)

Attempted murderer.

Yes, my appliances tried to kill me this morning. Ok, not all of them. I'm still getting along with the stereo, fridge and (obviously) computer, and the washing machine & I still have a wary mutual respect.

But the iron tried to take me on this morning. Bastard.

I'd like to say it threw me across the room but I came back swinging, unfortunately the truth of the matter is that I curled up in a ball and quivered on my bed.

If I had any hair I think it'd be standing on end.

For all my joking about my doctor friend in the previous post (ah, how ironic!) it's great to have a cardiac specialist you can call at the drop of a hat. Or drop of an arrhythmia. Or something.

Dammit, I didn't even finish ironing my shirt..

kick out the yams

Title courtesy of a dream I had the other night where MC5 were helping me do the gardening. Rake, muthafucka, rake!

I don't remember if they were any good. They don't really strike me as the greenfingered type - except perhaps for being dab hands at growing pot.

Anyway, the weekend that was:

BBQ on Friday night celebrating a friend getting a job. Cardiac medicine. Scary shit quite frankly, and you don't even get to keep your hands warm in someone's chest cavity - it's all done with tubes and you go in through the groinal region. I think it's a big con and he's just a highly paid perve. Well, at least it's not as obvious as becoming a proctologist..

A fun party though, met some cool people, charred some steak and managed to drop the entire meat-covered hotplate on the balcony floor. Fortunately no-one inside saw us so no harm done. If anyone develops food poisoning that was just a joke ok?

Saturday at karate I got given a lot of shit. Quite literally. Timbo-san procured for me 3 sacks of horse dung on the equine by-product black market. Who knew there was such a thing?

Anyway, that was the best bit of the training. Well, except for dropping Jason with a well-timed roundhouse to the floating rib. That was fun *g* But after 9 fights I was dying on my feet, fortunately so was everyone else so my demise wasn't too spectacular.

Stayed up far too late to watch the ABs trample the Boks. And much fun was had by all - as long as you're a Kiwi. Although the coverage on channel 7 was abysmally poor - not only did they only show delayed coverage (starting at 11:45pm! bastards) but they jammed in as many epic ad breaks as they possibly could, occasionally cutting off the restart so they could show more ads. Wankers.

Stayed up a bit longer watching Rage - guest programmed by Billy Corgan. Which reaffirmed my belief that he's a talentless pretentious cock. Well, his choice of music wasn't too bad to start with (Jane's Addiction, Sonic Youth, Mazzy Star, Spiritualized) but I missed all those and had the misfortune to tune into Limp Bizkit (gak), Swervedriver (yawn), Christina Aguilera (what the..?), and Seal (copious hurling). Plus his attempted uber-cool spoken interludes had me throwing cushions at his moon-like head.

Sunday I attempted to do some gardening but, with my sleep deprived brain half expecting MC5 to turn up to help at any minute, couldn't muster the enthusiasm for much. The lawn is coming up though, I must get around to fixing that lawnmower..

So. There you go. Don't know why I splurged all that - possibly some guilt that a half dozen of you persist in venturing over here day after day in the vain hopes that some nugget of wit and wisdom has sifted free from my brain pan.

I'd promise to do better in the future but.. we'd all know I was lying.

my *new* favourite t-shirt!

so true!

My folks are usually so weird with their gifts when they come back from holidays. Like the cheese-slicer they brought me from Tasmania. Or the carved boar's tusk from Niue. Or the Echidna-in-a-can from Cairns.

Ok, that one was pretty cool as well as weird. But still..

But now, this t-shirt redeems all the other strangenesses. I *love* this one!

PS Happy birthday Bro! 37 years old? Never dreamt you'd make it.. :D

losers

They're blowing up London again.

Pffft. That's sooo last week..